Choice Two

Suffocation engulfed my lungs. Breath escaped me. There was no option but to fall apart.

In December of 2012, I melted down. Identity crisis is something I had heard about in movies and TV shows, but me? I never thought it would happen to me. I realized I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or if I could even survive. How did I arrive at the very pit of my life?

In June of 2012, I left my full-time career to work with Bob. I left my profession I had worked so hard to achieve. I left all I knew how to do. Little did I realize with this change how much of my identity was wrapped up in what I did or what I accomplished, or even my job title. It was exciting at first. I met new people. I learned new things. I even discovered some new things I enjoyed.

But then, the excitement wore off. Conflicts magnified within our marriage {that will happen when you work with your spouse}. The challenges became more difficult. Added to my professional adjustment, it was the first year we homeschooled our son. Pouring all of myself into my husband’s business and my son’s schooling left me empty and depleted. I didn’t know what it meant to know myself. I found myself angry, depressed, and alone.

One night, while sitting in the office of my church, I broke down. A friend of mine was kind enough to listen and have the box of kleenex handy. She loved me right where I was, with no judgment. Like Job’s friends, she sat with me. There were no next steps given. No advice. Just a friend sitting with another friend in her pain. At that moment, it was the first time I remember seeing all the dark parts inside me. I named them.

I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t stay stuck, just standing at the starting line that had been drawn in the sand. I looked at two choices in front of me. Choice one was to turn around and go home. I didn’t have to move forward. I could retreat into what I knew. No matter how dark my cave was, it was my cave, and I knew it well. Choice two was to take a step forward. It’s the only way to run a race. I chose the second choice that day. And the next day. And the next. Any race you run, you can bail any time. Finishing a race is a choice you make with every next step. Today I choose the next step again.

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