Grief Despite Pandemic
Grief.
It’s a funny beast. It’s this taboo subject which, until you walk through it, you simply don’t understand. Now, I have experienced loss - two grandmothers, a somewhat estranged brother, and an ex-sister-in-law - but these deaths were not as close to home as losing a parent. People tried to explain to me what grief might be like. I just never really understood, though. To explain grief to someone who has not experienced could be compared to explaining the color blue to someone who has never experienced the gift of sight.
Two years ago, Terry was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. From all I could research, his diagnosis was nearly the same words as “death sentence.” The last two years proved trying with chemo, radiation, surgery, complications, rehab, a new diagnosis, and finally, hospice. During the last two years, he and I spent many conversations talking about his memories of his dad, his mom, and his family. He answered my unanswered questions and satisfied my curiosities of who I am and where I came from. When he didn’t feel like talking, we sat and watched Home Town and westerns. He slept more and more. And on Saturday, March 14th, my dad ended his time on earth with his final breath, peacefully. He is no longer suffering. His former body, riddled with disease, is now made whole and perfect in the presence of Jesus Christ.
So here I sit, in grief, with the world in a hysterical pandemic. Thousands are dying from undoubtedly the largest tragedy of my lifetime. Many are grieving all sorts of losses, from deaths and illnesses to canceled dreams and plans. And here I sit, relieved I get to have a timeout from the normal day-to-day. Is it ok that I say I’m relieved everything is canceled, and I am shut in my home? Is it ok that I’m ok to work remotely in my own home for a few weeks? Is it ok that I see this pandemic as a way to hit the pause button and rest? Is it ok that my grief looks different than what you might imagine?
I may share stories later about the fond memories of my dad. I may share stories of some of the struggles in our relationship too. One day I might. Today I will accept the gift to rest, ponder, and understand what grief looks like.
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