When Depression Leaves You Hopeless
The words of David the Psalmist in his darkest seasons of lament resonate in the darkest parts of my being.
Lord, do not abandon me; my God, do not be far from me. Hurry to help me, my Lord, my salvation. Psalm 38:21-22
Mental illness runs rampant in our world, resulting from an enemy who attacks us at our innermost being. Depression has marked my life for more than two decades. I was a self-harmer in high school, cutting my arms and hiding them as best I could. And though I never had any formed plans to end my life, I often asked God to take me from myself. I could bear my torment no longer.
There was a handful of breaking points throughout my life. In 2012, I experienced an identity crisis. This was a pivotal moment in my faith, the moment I would say I actually surrendered my life fully to Jesus. I wrote about this experience in this post a while back, if you don’t know the story. I realized that I had a choice to either move forward with Jesus or stay lost in darkness. I chose Jesus that day.
Over the past three years, I have experienced inexplicable sadness and grief due mostly to circumstances beyond my control. This perpetuated and magnified the shame of the dark places I lived. No matter how hard I tried to stave off the cloud oppressing me, I often found myself retreating to these isolated and lonely places of depression.
I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my bed and drench my couch every night. My eyes are swollen from grief; they grow old because of all my enemies. Psalm 6:6-7
Then Jesus…
A few weeks ago, a study I am going through asked for me to write out a prayer to God for a few minutes and then spend a few minutes listening to God. The phrase “Be in the world, not of the world” repeated through my thoughts as I was listening.
For some context, this is often used by Christians and is derived from the words of Jesus in John 18:36. Jesus has been arrested, whipped, and ridiculed by this point, and He is now standing before Pilate for interrogation. His response when asked What have you done:
‘My kingdom is not of this world,’ said Jesus. ‘If my kingdom were of this world, my servants would fight back, so that I wouldn’t be handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not from here.”
Jesus faced ultimate persecution. He entered physical life, knowing that it would be taken from him in the cruelest and inhumane way, BUT… he didn’t run away before it was time. He remained in our earthly, physical, and the very broken world because the time had not yet come for him to leave. His mission was not yet complete.
I started writing what I believed God saying to me in that quiet space of the morning on those sacred pages. He said to me nearly audibly My way is not easy. I have called you to be in the world. Do you hear that, Lisa? It’s not time to leave this world yet. I have called you to be in the world. Stay with me, Lisa. Don’t get too far ahead or behind.
Conviction in the darkest part of my soul has been my retreat from the world for 25 years. I could no longer run away to my safety net of darkness. I must surrender even this to God.
I believe, without God, I would have given up long ago. This song talks about running out of the grave we find ourselves in when God calls our name. It may be my favorite song because I know that I am alive today because of His call to me. If you battle with depression or suicidal ideations, please hear Jesus calling your name today. He longs for you to live, not just barely making it, but rather He desires you to flourish in Him.
I am here. Always. Email me so we can walk together closer to the life-giver, the name-caller, the grave-robber Jesus.
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What are you lamenting today? Are you living in a place of sadness? Could you send me an email and let me know? I read and respond to every email because you matter to me.
