Anxiety.

We all experience this heightened form of stress from time to time. It’s when your stomach ties in knots. Or when your chest tightens. And when your palms get sweaty. It decides to show up at the most inopportune times, like when your head hits the pillow and your eyes start to drupe. No no… you have too much on your mind to sleep, remember? Typically depression and anxiety are linked together as common mental illnesses. However, the two could not be more different. The depression sufferer experiences despondency, dejection, darkness. It can seem to be a black hole with little hope of emerging. One who suffers from anxiety typically wants to accomplish, but they are overcome with unease and uncertainty, racing too far ahead of the very situation they are overwhelmed with.

Grief.

It’s a funny beast. It’s this taboo subject which, until you walk through it, you simply don’t understand. Now, I have experienced loss - two grandmothers, a somewhat estranged brother, and an ex-sister-in-law - but these deaths were not as close to home as losing a parent. People tried to explain to me what grief might be like. I just never really understood, though. To explain grief to someone who has not experienced could be compared to explaining the color blue to someone who has never experienced the gift of sight.

Dare I say: I care not to see another #transformationtuesday. I’ve had my moments when I wake up to find myself anew. I’ve lost some weight. I’m a new person because of some seminar I went through. My muscle def is on point. I recite the affirmations to myself in the mirror till I am blue in the face. Then I post about it EVERYWHERE. Facebook. Instagram. Twitter. And why wouldn't I? I want to be inspiring to others so they can experience the same freedom, right? It couldn’t be that I want to brag on myself for a moment. Or that I want to show the world I have it together. Perhaps I’m so lost in the spin cycle of self-help paraphernalia I just need SOMEONE to tell me I’m doing something right.

Perhaps you’ve noticed me a little less in your inbox. Perhaps you have missed my voice. Most likely, there have been plenty of other voices to keep you pulled into their noise.

I’ve been quiet. I’ve been healing. I’ve been creating space and boundaries, evaluating what matters in life. I could sit here and list all the changes in our life, but I don’t want to be grabby of your heartstrings. I don’t need empathy to understand why I’ve been quiet.

“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife.

Thousands last weekend stuffed themselves with too much food, decorated their homes in anticipation of Christmastime with gaudy garland and glitter, and they have elbowed and shoved their way to the best deals at all the department stores. Instead of spending time in laughter and enjoyment with those dearest to them, they were secretly scrolling for the updated Cyber Monday sales and making Christmas lists. I can blare all the Christmas Carols and watch all the seasonal movies, but it’s all just another cycle of insanity headed my way.